My wife is a Wedding and Event Coordinator which means that there are times when I have to watch the boys by myself on the weekends. It’s a scary prospect and one that we all try to avoid as it’s not in anyone’s best interest for me to be the lone parent for any length of time. I’m not fit to watch the house by myself let alone two boys who are looking to get me into trouble; “Yeah Dad, Mom always puts the banana peels in the disposal.” It’s OK though because they’re in bed by the time my wife gets home and then I just blame them for everything.
This past Saturday was one of these occasions. Candis left the 3 of us at the house and informed us that I was in charge by virtue of being the only one who didn’t need to be constantly reminded to flush the freakin’ toilet when you’re done!
The afternoon went quite well. Graham (our 3 year old) napped, I played video games on my Xbox and David (our 4 year old)... well... I’m sure he entertained himself with something. At one point he did come and ask me what side of the house he should put the trees on (he was drawing a house), “the right side or the wrong side?” I tried to tell him that he meant “right side or left side” but he was insistent that it was either “the right” or “the wrong.” Thinking that he was trying to engage me in a political discourse, I ignored him as I do with everyone who attempts this.
At 4:30 Graham woke up from his nap and the world ended. From what I could tell the following is a list of items that Graham was upset about:
- Mom was not home.
- Dad was home.
- Someone had put Dad in charge.
- He had to go to the kitchen to receive milk.
- Aforementioned milk was in the WRONG CUP!
I’m sure I’m missing some because I don’t speak caterwaul, but it eventually subsided and we moved on to dinner. Instead of just making something I made the mistake of asking “what do you boys want for dinner?”
“Pancakes” came the immediate response which was quickly seconded by the younger accomplice. Not wanting to disturb the peace or provoke the neighbors into calling social services I looked in the freezer before saying no, to see what I could make. Lo and behold, frozen pancakes. Cooking time: 45 seconds in the microwave. Effort on Dad’s part: minimal.
“OK, pancakes it is.” I was a hero.
I was still beaming with pride at having made dinner for my kids as I helped them wash up afterwards. David wanted to play ‘Mom and Dad’ (which makes me nervous on so many levels), but he wanted to pretend that they were a “Mom and Dad with no kids.” I know where he gets this from because Candis and I play this all the time, it really is a fun game.
As they played happily I decided that it was time for me to change the light bulb on the front porch that has been out for some time. This was a strategic move on my part, I knew that my wife would come home and in the course of asking how everything went we would eventually get to the question “what did you make them for dinner?” My plan was to change the subject and fake being upset. “Did you even notice that I changed the light bulb on the porch? I do all this work around here while you’re off at your fancy parties and then you don’t even notice. It’s like you totally take me for granted, I don’t think you really appreciate what I do around here.”
Unfortunately the plan hit a snag when I couldn’t find where we keep the new light bulbs, but I managed to wrangle one from a lamp in the basement to accomplish the mission. She won’t be happy the next time she turns on that lamp, but hopefully I’ll be at work when that happens.
