David’s First Book

My son wrote his first book. I have often toyed with the idea of writing a book, but I never expected my 4 year old to beat me to it. That’s it that you see pictured there on the right side of this post. He read the book to my wife first which is funny because I do the same whenever I write a post for this site or for Half-Fast. She didn’t correct his grammar or his spelling, or give him any suggestions for improving it, or question his conjugation, or tell him that anything was inappropriate, which is not funny because she always does that stuff to me. Quite frankly I think that some of the posts that I’ve written are way better than his book. But no, my wife was beaming with pride, whose side is she on anyway?

What was really impressive was that after he read the book to my wife, he read it to me and the story didn’t vary at all. He read the story several times including backwards once, and each time it stayed the same. For those of you who don’t have kids (bite me) let me explain that 4 year olds don’t actually write. The book is just a series of scribbles pictures which is why it is so remarkable that each page corresponded with the same sentence at every reading. I mention this because before I had kids I would have read the first paragraph of this post and imagined a 4 year old having written a 400 page manuscript without even realizing that 4 year olds don’t really read or write, at least not enough to write a book. Anyway here is the story in full, as read by David:

Once upon a time there was a knight, but down came another knight and he fighted him down.
Then there was a dragon, but down came a knight and he fighted him down.
Then there were some scary birds, but down came a knight and he fighted them down.
Then there was a moose and down came the knight and he gave him a muffin.
Then there was a mouse and down came the knight and he gave him a cookie.
Happily ever after.

Please note that I don’t have the author’s written permission to reprint the above book (because he can’t write), and he wouldn’t give verbal permission but if he tries to take any kind of legal action I’ll promptly revoke his TV privileges and send him to bed early. I guess I’m like one of those controlling parents of child actors.

When I first heard the book I thought that it wasn’t long enough, but then I realized that it was a kids book and by the time you add illustrations, supersize the font and then break each sentence over 2 pages you’ve got a fantastic kids book that will retail for $9.95. I love John Grisham but has anyone told him that he could write roughly 43 kids books in the time it takes to write his next legal thriller which will sell in paperback for $7.95?

On first glance you might think that David conjugated “fighted” incorrectly, but I think he’s just taking artistic license there to make a point. Also, I like the twist in the last few sentences. I thought for sure that the moose was going to get fighted down didn’t you? But then out of nowhere the knight gives him a muffin. The best part about the book for me was the ambiguity of the first three sentences. Take another look. “There was a dragon, but down came a knight and he fighted him down.” Who just got fighted down? “He” could refer to the dragon or the knight. The book leaves it up to you, the reader to decide but David was a little more subtle about it than Frank Stockton was in The Lady Or The Tiger.

Bye Bye Titty

David, my 4 year old, found the above note taped to our front door the other day. As always you can click the image to enlarge it, the names and phone numbers have been hidden to protect the stupid. It would appear that someone in my neighborhood is missing their cat and also that a village is missing their idiot. It is so sad to see things like this; parents allowing their kids to name the family pet “Titty.”

Yeah, I get it. It’s cute to have your infant name your new kitten and it was probably funny when she mispronounced “kitty” but that’s where it should have ended. It’s one thing to name a stuffed bear “Email,” because the kid keeps saying it, but it would be nice if parents possessed the common sense to veto names when they crossed the line. “Titty” definitely crosses the line.

As a parent, it’s important to remember that you are in charge here. This would have been a good opportunity to use your veto power, after all if you don’t exert your parental authority from time to time then you are really just the tall people that live in the house and pay the bills. That’s no fun. Sometimes I like to veto things and exert my parental authority for no other reason than to feel the rush of being powerful. The adrenaline surges to my head from having supreme executive power in my household. “This is not a democracy, it’s a dictatorship!” I like to say. I rule with an iron fist. Justice is swift and unmerciful. I have absolute dominion... you know... as long as that’s cool with my wife and all. She’s not reading this is she?

I can’t help but think of some of the conversations that must go on at Titty’s (Titties?) house. “Don’t chase Titty!” “You have to be nice to Titty.” “Have you seen Titty lately?” Those must be fun times.

Does anyone else remember when you were in middle school and you’d play a game where you combined the name of your first pet with the name of the street that you grew up on, and that was supposed to be what your “adult film” stage name would be? Yeah, this kid is going to rule that game. I don’t think that anything beats Titty Sunset.

It’s easy to forget in the midst of all this mocking that a family has lost their pet. I really do hope that they find Titty. Even though I’m not a cat person I would never wish any harm on Titty because I remember how sad I was when we lost our pet dog “Nipples.” I remember running around the neighborhood in tears yelling “has anyone seen my Nipples?”

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

About a week or two ago a friend of ours asked my wife to meet her 6 year old daughter as she was getting off the school bus and watch her for a couple of hours. To protect her identity I’ll call her Emma because it’s such a ridiculously popular name that it might as well be ‘Anonymous.’ With apologies to the millions upon millions of you out there who have named your daughter Emma. And yes I realize the irony in me writing that when my firstborn son is named David.

My wife has trouble saying “no” to anyone, a trait that has often worked in my favor, and so she agreed to watch Emma. My boys enjoyed playing with Emma at our house and she even helped my wife bake some cookies. Yes, things were going swimmingly until my wife announced that it was time to take her home.
“Awww, can’t I stay longer?” Emma pleaded.
“No honey, I have too many kids to take care of already,” replied my wife. That’s when it happened. Emma cocked her head to one side with a puzzled look on her face and thought for a second.
“But you only have two children,” said Emma who is from a family of three children, “how hard can that be?”

I am pleased to report that the doctors were able to successfully remove the spatula from Emma’s colon and she has been moved out of intensive care. She is expected to make a speedy recovery, and I’m assured that the emotional scars will heal in time too. Frankly, I think the experience will do wonders for her when she reaches the corporate world. If you openly mocked senior management like that you’d be packing your personal effects into a box within minutes. Maybe not literally within minutes, but you’d be gone just as quickly as senior management could find someone to tell them who you are, what department you’re in and how much they could save by replacing you with an intern or an easy button. (See, that’s how you take shots at senior management; from the brave anonymity of a pseudonym on an internet blog.)