David’s First Football Game - Part 2

This is the second part of David’s First Football Game. If you haven’t read the first part, then I suggest you read it first.

Early in the 2nd quarter with CU ahead 14 - 7, CSU had the ball on the CU 4 yard line and they were about to go for it on 4th down instead of kicking the field goal. It was a critical play. Naturally this was the time that David turned to me and said “Dad, I have to go pee.” I contemplated making him wait until after the play, but CSU called a time out to think about it and I did the same. You see, 4 year old boys wait until the very last second to go to the bathroom. David has this kamikaze attitude where he frequently goes running to the bathroom at full speed yelling “oh no, oh no, oh no” and then barely nanoseconds after he gets his pants down, pee erupts forth. (If I really wanted to be mean I’d put a belt on him when I got him dressed in the morning.)

I looked at David and all I could see was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I picked him up and carried him up the steps to the concourse, but quickly realized that I was breaking one of my cardinal rules; never point a loaded gun (or bladder) directly at yourself. We would have been faster if I carried David, but that would also be more dangerous. Still hoping to make it back for the 4th down play I set David down and we ran to the busy urinal. In his usual manner he dropped his pants around his ankles and grabbed on to the side of the urinal for support. You probably don’t have to hold the edge of the urinal when you pee, but that’s because you probably don’t stand there with your pants around your ankles either - show off.

We heard the crowd roar, signaling that we’d missed the play but given the 50-50 split between CU and CSU fans I couldn’t deduce what had happened. Before going back to our seats we washed his hands and then washed them again. David wanted a hot dog from the concession stands, but apparently not the bun which he peeled off and handed to me once we were back in our seats.

If you’re a normal human being you eat hot dogs as an occasional treat, one that is not particularly healthy and you’re actively avoiding learning the ingredients. If you have already learned the ingredients then you don’t eat them at all. As a parent (which puts you in a group that is diametrically opposed to being a normal human being) a hot dog counts as something nutritious because it falls under the meats and beans section (I think) of the food pyramid. So I was pretty happy that he was going to eat something that was outside of the sugars and fats section of the pyramid.

I’ll take one hot dog, hold the bun.
Late in the 4th quarter David finally finished the hot dog, waited for another critical 4th down play and then once again asked if he could go to the bathroom. I kid you not. It was like his bladder was an alarm for crucial plays. There was less than 2 minutes left, CU was down by 3 and going for it on 4th down. For a second I debated telling him that it wasn’t funny to joke about needing to pee on 4th down, but you know what else is not funny? Carrying your 4 year old on your shoulders back to the car while he’s wearing pee pants. So off we went to the bathroom again, but this time to a stall.

We got back to our seats and David was really ready to go home, unfortunately for him CU had converted the 4th down thanks to a pass interference penalty and the game went into overtime. As overtime started I helped him find some candy in his back pack and he was content to sit and eat candy while the entire rest of the stadium stood with bated breath.

Dad! There was candy in my backpack too!
The Starburst in his hand occupied his attention despite my best efforts to get him interested in the game. Having intercepted CSU in overtime CU needed only to kick a field goal to win. I picked David up so that he could watch the kick and explained to him that if the ball went between the yellow posts not only did CU win, but we got to go home. He was instantly energized and yelling “go buffs” again. The kick was good and he was genuinely excited! He was cheering and high-fiving everyone around. CU had won and my son was excited about it! So there you have it. My son: Big football fan, even bigger snackfood fan.