Running Dad

ORIGINALLY POSTED AT HALF-FAST 6/27/07

Last night my wife had to go run some errands which meant that I was watching the boys and could not go outside for my run. I tried telling her that the oldest one is capable of babysitting, but she insists that he's too young (he's 4). Whatever. I ended up getting on the treadmill and telling David (my 4 year-old) to keep an eye on Graham (my 2 year-old) so it all works out the same either way.

I recalled reading somewhere that it is easier to run on a treadmill (no hills, no wind resistance etc.) and that you should set the incline to 1% to simulate running outdoors. I decided to give this a try, but my ego got the best of me and I turned it up to 2%. It didn’t feel like too much of a difference so I kept plugging along. Somewhere around 0.21 miles I heard Graham crying, and not wanting to lose my rhythm or start over I yelled for David to come tell me what had happened. As it turns out "nothing" had happened. I guess he was just screaming bloody murder for the fun of it, I made a quick mental note to discipline him for that after my run.

If you know any 2 or 4 year old boys you know that they're all afterburner and no rudder, so it was only a matter of minutes before there was more yelling and loud banging. Not being someone prone to worry, I quickly came up with a solution. I grabbed the remote control for the iPod speakers and turned up the volume until I could no longer hear said yelling and banging. I enjoyed the remainder of my run in the peace and quiet of my eclectic 'running' playlist consisting of heavy metal, hip-hop and alternative.

Towards the end of my run I began to feel a little discouraged, this was supposed to be an easy run at a 9:30 minute mile pace and I was really struggling. My breathing was harder than usual, my calves were burning more than usual and I was seriously considering slowing down. What on earth was wrong with me? It was during this conundrum that I remembered that I had been running up hill the whole way. I completely forgot that I had set the incline to 2%. What can I say? I'm a genius.

As I was finishing up, both of the boys came down to the basement. Both a little sweaty but, no blood and no new bruises. They were exhausted from whatever they had been doing upstairs and quietly sat down at their coloring table. It was at this moment that my wife came home, took one look at our quiet children and me finishing up my run and exclaimed “how did you get them to behave so well?” I merely shrugged. She continued “they NEVER let me run on the treadmill without interruption!” I smiled at her. Some of us are just good parents I guess, and by ‘some of us’ I am of course referring to my wife.

Kids Ruin Everything

ORIGINALLY POSTED AT SCOOP OF VANILLA 9/11/2007

For those of you who don't know me I have 2 boys. D is the oldest, he is 4 years old as of this writing and G is 2, which would make him the younger. One of the great things about kids is that they always speak their minds, unfortunately one of the worst things about having kids is that they always speak their minds. My 2 year old, G takes a no-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners approach to life. He doesn't think twice about anything before he does it or says it, and if I were totally honest I'd have to admit that he probably doesn't even think once about it, let alone twice.

I had a birthday recently and my wife had taken great care to keep my gift a secret from me. The only problem with her plan was that she wasn't able to keep it secret from G. You can't leave a 2 year old at home and go shopping, and the reason isn't because you're worried about the 2 year old it's because you're worried about your house. That kid can do some serious damage in a matter of minutes. To my wife's credit she waited as long as possible to buy my gift and she gave strict instructions and severely threatened G that he was not to tell me what they bought or where it was hidden.

Alas, I came home from work on a Wednesday evening (I would later discover that it was the very same day that they had bought the present) and as soon as I walked in the door G popped his big head around a corner and said "Daddy, Daddy..."
"NO, NO, NO!" D interrupted him. D is smart enough to know that G has been waiting all day to tell me the secret that he has. 2 year olds were not built to keep secrets, they were built to teach you patience and that you're not as smart as you think you are.

After that it became a game. Both boys would take turns telling me "we're not going to tell you what we got for your birthday!" and I would play along. If you know little boys then you know that EVERYTHING is a game. In fact, when I can't get one of them to eat their dinner, or go get ready for bed or pretty much anything, all I have to do is make a game of it:
"Your brother is going to be the first one to get into his PJs (finish his dinner, clean up his toys, etc.) are you going to let him win?" You can get little kids to do anything if you make a game of it, and it has the added benefit of teaching them that it's not how you play the game it's whether you win or lose that makes Daddy happy.

That's my parenting tip for the day - back to the story. Not 30 minutes later we were all heading out to dinner. I grab G and take him out to the car. As I'm buckling him into his car seat he immediately begins with the game again, "Daddy, I'm not going to tell you what we got for your birthday!" This was probably hundredth time I'd heard this in the last 30 minutes and I was sick of playing along so I stop responding to the playful taunts. G, of course, is not done playing the game and in order to entice me back into it he decides he needs to up the ante by revealing a little bit more information. Surely that would draw me back into the game. He decides he's going to reveal the location of the hidden present. The logic is sound, but the execution is lacking. He looks at me with a big smile and says:

"Daddy, I'm not going to tell you that your bike is hidden in my playhouse!"

I smile back at him. "OK, G." The G does not stand for genius.

My Kids

I have two boys. David is my first born and is 4 years old. He is thoughtful and polite in his dealings with me but when it comes to his brother all bets are off. From birth he has always been genuinely remorseful when in trouble and is always very happy and content, which is how we were tricked into having a second child. Expecting the same result my wife and I were dismayed to discover that the amalgamation of our DNA did not produce the exact same boy the second time around. Graham is my youngest son and is 2 years old. I love Graham as equally as I love David, but he is evil to the core. From the start he was moody, fussy, and actually seemed to be happiest when he was in trouble. Both boys take after my wife in that they have big heads, I do not mean that to say that they are arrogant, but rather that they have abnormally large craniums. They look like Calvin (from the Calvin & Hobbes comics) and are similarly mischievous.

Welcome

Welcome to Daddy’s Little Tax Credits. I started this site to keep a record of some of my favorite stories about my kids. There have been so many that I am having trouble keeping track of them all, and if I’m anything like my parents I’ll misremember many of the details or forget the stories entirely. When that happens I’ll be able to come and read all my memories right here at Daddy’s Little Tax Credits, if only I can remember the URL.

I intend to start by posting a couple of stories that have already been written and posted at one of my various other blogs. Then I’ll start adding amusing stories from the past few years. Once I’ve run out of those it will be up to my kids to provide stories for me to write about, I’m confident they can deliver.

Despite the fact that I, like all good parents, believe that my kids are the cutest and do the cutest things you won’t find any sappy stories here. I can’t stand to read or write about hugs and kisses and cuddles, because quite frankly that’s the easy part of being a parent. Instead, I’ll focus on the gory details of everyday parenting. If you don’t have kids yet, this site will be like virtual birth control.